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Various Artists​-​meh.

by Eric Blowtorch

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1.
The Nett Surfers - Come Softly to Craigslist 02:02
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Wanted: tools Salon, shed, home schools Iowa City sublet Put your privates out in public Come softly to craigslist Pagans and praiseniks Sports fans and vegans Eggheads and cretins Biotech support Come to Ohio, get divorced Baby and kids Get your CDs and DVDids Strictly platonic Household electronic Your child needs child care Wild man seeks ride share Come softly to craigslist Assholes and defeatists, Sports fans and vegans Human beings Missed connections Pistol collections Taxidermy mounters Casual encounters Come softy to craigslist – USA to Ulan bator Come softy to craigslist – never mind the nosy neighbor Come softy to craigslist – goods and bads for sale Come softy to craigslist – pre-chewed spearmint, like new, near mint Come softly
2.
Jello Yankovic - Metro-Sex-U-All 02:13
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On my feet square toes – check Jeans flared low – check, Untucked top – check Spare flip-flops – check Metro-Sex-U-All! Check! Metro-Sex-U-All! Check! Red pegged Dickies – checkS Shirt from the thrifties – check, Stingy brimmed hat – check How cool is that? – check (Very cool) Metro-Sex-U-All! Check! Metro-Sex-U-All! Check! Low-slung studded belt – check T-shirt says Chanel – check, Hair meticulously mussed – check Catch hell on the 63 bus – check and double check Metro-Sex-U-All! Check! Metro-Sex-U-All! Check! Go ahead and gun but still I’m having fun I’m not gonna dis I wanna give u all a great big kiss Metro-Sex-U-All! Check! Metro-Sex-U-All! Check! Metro-Sex-U-All! Check! Metro-Sex-U-All! Check!
3.
Charles 'Juggs' Juggernaut & Patty - Bluetooth Boogie 01:29
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(He:) Woman, what’s that in your ear? It looks like a clamp and it just blinked twice I won’t buy you another beer until you spill it: what’s that device? (She:) Buster, ain’t you heard the news? Essential players’ accessory Only one way to beat the blues only way to step for me (He:) All right, I’ll bite, hip me to it (She:) It’s like a tiny telephone booth (He:) A hearing aid! Ha, ha! I knew it! (She:) Stupid boy, this here’s a Bluetooth Bluetooth boogie’s goin’ round Ringin’, blingin’, roamin’ ‘round town (She:) You say I look like a Klingon clown Don’t hate me, brother, just ‘cause you ain’t down (He:) Sleek symbol of status Handy little apparatus for climbing corporate ladders At bus stops look the baddest Bluetooth boogie Bluetooth boogie Bluetooth boogie Look, look, lookie (She:) So you think you ready to cop? (He:) Just one little obstacle (She:) See you at the Cricket shop? (He:) When they make one you can’t see Bluetooth boogie Bluetooth boogie Bluetooth boogie Look, look, lookie
4.
Black Barry - Baby Let's Text 02:07
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I took you out for lobster and still the night is young Come on, you man-eating monster Let’s have some real fun Here we are at the club rockin’ to Lil’ Wayne I got to get my rub-a-dub on before they play T-Pain We’re dancin’ real slow, drinkin’ Pernod You know what’s next Baby, let’s text! We’re in the motel room No need to say a word I wanna flood that flume and I’m closing in on third Just make a fist Give it some wrist I got to flex Baby, let’s text! Gonna make you gyrate when you feel me vibrate even in your Lex Baby, let’s text! I said you sure love to ball and you said ‘lol’ I’m scrolling down your screen – what’s that s’posed to mean? Lots of luck? What the fuck? Let’s text! Baby, let’s text!
5.
The Ayn Rand Band - (Heard It on a) Talk Show 03:10
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I know the speed limit is too slow I know Jesus was an Anglo I know Hillary’s got to go I know tomorrow it’s going to snow Why is there so much I know and how do I know what I know? Heard it on a talk show I know unions killed the auto I know the finer points of Wade v. Roe I know my temper’s about to blow I know I know how to say, ‘Ditto’ God told him so He told me so I told you so Now tell ‘em, go! I know big business got to grow I know the Good Book says it’s so I know who’s going to make it to the Final Four I know all I need to know Heard it on a talk show Heard it on a talk show Heard it on a talk show
6.
The In Breed - Mr. DNA 01:39
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(G. Casale/M. Mothersbaugh, adapted by Eck 'E-Blow' Bonotz) Wait a minute, something’s wrong He’s the boy from the past He’s here to do us a favor A little human sacrifice It’s just supply and demand Mr. Kamikaze! Mr. DNA! He’s an altruistic pervert! Mr. DNA! Mr. Kamikaze! He’s here to spread some genes! Mr. Kamikaze! Mr. DNA! He’s an altruistic pervert! Mr. DNA! Mr. Kamikaze! He’s here to spread some genes now! Mr. Kamikaze! Mr. DNA! He’s an altruistic pervert! Mr. DNA! Mr. Kamikaze! Here to spread some... Wait a minute, something’s wrong He’s the man with the plan His finger is pointed at E-Blow Now we must sacrifice ourselves that many others may live OK, we got a lot to give! This monkey went to one patent office Mr. Kamikaze! Mr. DNA! He’s an altruistic pervert! Mr. DNA! Mr. Kamikaze! He’s here to spread some genes! Mr. Kamikaze! Mr. DNA! He’s an altruistic pervert! Mr. DNA! Mr. Kamikaze! He’s here to spread some genes now! Mr. Kamikaze! Mr. DNA! He’s an altruistic pervert! Mr. DNA! Mr. Kamikaze! Here to spread some genes!
7.
The Fauxhawks - Can't Complain 03:47
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They buried me under the viaduct under piles and piles of post-product ‘least I didn’t get wet from the rain No little blips botherin’ my brain - I can’t complain I don’t work at the post office No blood gushing outta my faucets Not worth taxing my collapsing capital gain Years and years down the drain - I can’t complain Can’t, can’t, can’t, can’t, can’t, can’t, can’t complain Well, I could but complaining’s always in vain Why rant and rave? Better to silently slave You pant, curse your lot, but you can’t, you cannot complain It is what it is and it’s all good and I’m good! I’m good! Is that understood? I’m so over it, wouldn’t care if Apocalypse came Praying for more of the same, I can’t complain Martin Luther King just loved to complain Jesus had such hassles healing the lame Same goes for that poor lady off in Iran They complained and complained - what was gained? You can’t complain Can’t, can’t, can’t, can’t, can’t, can’t, can’t complain Hooray! Hooray! Same shit, different day! Hoot! Holler! Stoop and scrape, another dollar!
8.
Charles 'Juggs' Juggernaut - Networkin' 01:45
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What the hell? I pull out my cell and you ask me, “Dear, what is this?” I ain’t here for pleasure, baby I’m only here for business Networkin’, networkin’ Networkin' – I need a job and I ain’t jerkin’ Networkin’, networkin’ At your leisure I’ll be lurkin’ You got the time? I’ll drop a dime and call in all your references Spare me all the pleasantnesses and tell me who your vice president is You got a tip, you got a hunch I guess I’ll take you out to lunch I’ll shower you with true affections because, my baby, you got connections Networkin’, networkin’ Networkin’ – you got the juice and I ain’t jerkin’ Networkin’, networkin’ At your luncheon I’ll be lurkin’
9.
The Mannish Flies - 360 Minute Man 02:55
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Some chickens have all the luck, satisfied with just one pluck Me, I’m just the opposite: tickle my feathers, I just can’t quit Poppin’ pills, drinkin’ wine, still keep crawling up the vine Maybe I should see a doc to take away my need to knock I’m drivin’ my woman bats, always chasin’ her cats 360 minute man, 360 minute man Pour some oil in my fryin’ pan, shake and bake as long as you can 360 minute man, 360 minute man I hope you understand I’m workin’ as fast as I can Mama don’t get to sleep no more, up every night at least until four Says we oughtta hire a maid but I’d drive her crazy too, I’m afraid, cookin’, scrubbin’, rubbin’ 360 minute man, 360 minute man Pour some oil in my fryin’ pan, shake and bake as long as you can 360 minute man, 360 minute man I hope you understand I’m workin’ as fast as I can I’m workin’ as fast as I can I’m workin’ as fast as I can I’m workin’ as fast as I can Fast as I can
10.
The Straight Men - Proposition 8 01:25
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Hey! We’ve got to hide our love away! You need new clothes and I need somewhere to stay The first time ever I saw your face I knew we gotta get out of this place California – can’t afford to stay Now you know why I feel blue You ought to quit this scene too Sneakin’ like Sally down the alley Goin’ back to Cali? I don’t think so California – can’t afford to stay California – can’t afford to stay California California California
11.
The Owsleys - Red Bull Hangover 02:42
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Screamin’ down the interstate 3 a.m. and wide awake Cold sweatin’, skins and shoulders shake How much abuse can a teetotal take? Up for 80 hours now and I ain’t even yawnin’ – YOW Can’t believe the cops allow drivers drinkin’ Red Cow but I down another drink of that strawberry stink I’ve had too much to think Eyelids blink and blink Hey, Mr. Black Range Rover, belay the foolish act and pull over for the love of God Jehovah I got a bad Red Bull hangover Bad blood flowin' Mild-mannered motorists I’m mowin' Feels like everybody’s slowin' Can’t remember where I’m goin' Hey, Mr. Black Range Rover, belay the foolish act and pull over for the love of God Jehovah I got a bad Red Bull hangover Bad Red Bull, bad Red Bull (Red Bull, Red Bull) Red Bad Bull, rad bed rule (Red Bull, Red Bull) Bad bed rule, Red rad Bull (Red Bull, Red Bull) etc.
12.
The Second Stringers - Pharm Party 02:43
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about

Substandard Records Proudly Announces
Mediocre New Release

Some say the children of the new millennium are no damn good. These self-appointed arbiters of ‘hipitude’ dismiss our youngsters as lazy, selfish, narcisstic, slovenly, apathetic, entitled, antisocial, ignorant, puerile, greedy, easily coerced, badly dressed, and kookily coiffed. Not to mention gullible, celebrity-fixated, trendy, promiscuous, irresponsible, materialistic, and mesmerized by brand names. They put down the kids with other haughty adjectives: Sub-literate. Primate-like. Unthrifty.

We at Substandard Records see the kids of the 21st century in a different light. We appreciate their innovative use of acronyms, their willingness to take part in psychotropic experiments, and their facility with cutting-edge gadgetry. As up-and-coming twentysomething idol Black Barry points out, texting never hurt anybody!

To rectify the misunderstanding surrounding what we like to call the ‘possibly’ generation, and to affirm their ubiquitous, transcendent mantra, ‘whatever,’ we conducted a several-block-wide search for the most socially ‘plugged in’ exponents of the ‘streamo’ and ‘tubstep’ musical styles. The response was not overwhelming. Then, out of obscurity stepped cruise-ship blues has-been Charles ‘Juggs’ Juggernaut, now a streaming podcast near-sensation, and the youngsters flocked to Substandard in dozen, mp3s in hand, demanding inclusion. From over 11 submissions, we selected the 12 most tuneful and topical for your ‘twerking’ and ‘bouncing’ pleasure. In the words of the ‘hepsters,’ how cool is that??!!??!!??!!??!!??!!!

Whatever, Dad,
Bob ‘The Knob’ Twiddler
Substandard Records
Milwaukee 11, Wisc., US
Tel. CAmbridge0-1104

credits

released May 19, 2020

Engineers: Mitch Judgment, Didier Leplae, Shane Olivo, Buddy Ecuador
Mastering: Shane Olivo
Cover art: MalVy Westbrook

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Eric Blowtorch Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Singer/guitarist/songwriter Eric Blowtorch sings, plays, and writes reggae, ska, rocksteady, soul, rock 'n' roll, funk, Latin, disco, hip-hop, Anglo-Afropop, and jazz songs with rhythm, melody, passion, and original comic timing. E. B. plays solo, in small combos, and with a band, Eric Blowtorch and the Bodyguards. ... more

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